How to Cope When Mother's Day Is Hard for You

With the evolution of technology (and social media), the way we celebrate Mother's Day has transformed from a private day into a far more public display full of photos, dedications, and other announcements. But for some, the second Sunday in May is a difficult reminder of grief or pain—especially when faced with these constant reminders that everyone else seems to have won the mom lottery.

If Mother's Day is hard for you, you're not alone. Whether you have a difficult relationship, are estranged from your mom, your mother has passed away, or have other reasons for a painful day, here are a few strategies for setting healthy boundaries and coping with Mother's Day.

If You’re Estranged From Your Mother

If you're not in contact with your mom, it's probably for good reason. Estrangements occur for various reasons and are likely not easily decided. So, it's completely fine if you're not ready to reconnect, even though it's Mother's Day.

Find Comfort Elsewhere

If you're completely estranged from your mom, try spending the day with someone who is like your surrogate mother, maybe an aunt or older friend. Or give back. "Often doing something for somebody else is the best antidote to grieving the mother you didn't get," says Melody Bacon, Ph.D. of The Chicago School of Professional Psychology.

If you have kids, practice gratitude for the opportunity to be a mom. Or visit an assisted-living home and brighten the day of someone else's mom who may be unable to celebrate with their children.

Make Contact if Values Align

If feeling less certain about the estrangement, you could try a different approach. "If you want contact, Mother's Day would be an opportunity to reach out," says Lois Braverman of the Ackerman Institute for the Family. Bacon suggests establishing a response based on values instead of emotions. What does this mean?

Think about paying your taxes. You may not agree with how much you owe, but you believe you should contribute to society. When deciding on a value baseline, for instance, think about what kind of child you want to be (not what kind of mother you wish you had). For example, you could start with a text or a card, which doesn't require reciprocation.

Braverman agrees that a text or card is a good place to start—and says it doesn't have to be elaborate, recommending a simple message like, "Happy Mother's Day" or "Thinking of you on this day." Initiating contact can be challenging, especially if you haven't exchanged so much as a text message with your mom in years. "Call up some positive memory of your mother that bypasses the incident, or series of incidents, that led to the estrangement," Braverman says.

If You Have a Complicated Relationship With Your Mother

Lots of people have a run-of-the-mill, complicated relationship with their mothers. "Despite the commercialism of Mother's Day, it's an opportunity to connect," says Braverman. Regardless of how you decide to interact with your mom, try to make it a positive day.

Dodge Irritations

Avoid topics or questions that may lead to conflict and stick to happy memories, Braverman suggests. Many moms know how to push your buttons, but you can choose how to react.

For instance, if your mother says you're wearing too much makeup, you can respond with irritation or declare, "We think about that differently. I am comfortable with how I look," Braverman says. And remember, you can always decide not to answer a loaded question by saying, "Let's talk about that another time," or politely change the subject and deflect by asking an innocuous question.

Focus on the Good

Even if you know you want to spend Mother's Day with your mom in theory, sometimes it can be emotionally taxing in reality. Try focusing on one time when Mom didn't drive you bonkers, Bacon suggests. Ask yourself these questions:

• What was different about that time?
• What was different about you?
• How did you respond?
• As a result, how did you feel?

You may remember a moment when you reacted less and, in turn, found Mom less annoying or that it led to less friction. "If you can get yourself back to where you were in that scene, and you could fluff it off, that could help you have a better Mother's Day," Bacon says.

If Your Mother Has Passed Away

Days like Mother's Day (designed to be celebratory occasions) can quickly turn painful in the absence of a loved one. "It's like you're revisiting your grief," says Bacon.

Honor Mom

To help, Bacon suggests writing a letter as a testament to Mom's importance. "Telling her what you want her to know is a way to feel connected," Bacon says. "Death doesn't end a relationship; it just changes it." You can even take letter-writing a step further by burying the note in the backyard and planting Mom's favorite flower on top.

Mother's Day tends to stir up many memories, for better or worse, about your mom. If you had a positive relationship, think of the best way to honor your late mother, suggests Braverman. If possible, try to focus on a positive activity: Reminisce with some family members or friends who knew your mom, or show your respects by visiting the cemetery and reading a Mother's Day poem or lighting a candle at home.

Forgive Mom

Even if you had a difficult relationship with your mom, Mother's Day doesn't have to be negative. "Mother's Day can be a time to open your heart to forgiveness and free yourself of the burden of carrying so many difficulties in the past," says Braverman.

How you frame things can make a huge difference. Changing what you emphasize in your mind can alter how you feel. "Your own self-talk, the story you tell yourself, can significantly influence the outcome," Braverman adds.

If You’re Struggling With Infertility or the Loss of a Child

For anyone desiring to have children and facing challenges or those who have unfortunately lost a child, Mother's Day can be painful. With reminders about motherhood all around—from media portrayals to a simple errand run—navigating the holiday can be difficult. Try some of these coping techniques, which may be helpful for anyone.

Avoid Celebrations

Focus on yourself that day with activities you enjoy, such as reading, exercising, or binging the latest comedy. You can still honor your mother with a phone call, card, or flowers. Be honest and share that you're just not up for celebrating with a Mother's Day brunch.

Plan Ahead

If celebrating Mother's Day is unavoidable because Mom is coming by, think about how you can celebrate together and still honor your feelings. Perhaps have a meal at home instead of eating at a restaurant. Or plan a secluded outing where you and Mom can enjoy the day without crowds.

Participate in a Day of Service or Activism

To counteract the commercialism of the holiday, you can opt to engage in your community. Maybe join a local walk or run honoring a cause you support. Or perhaps honor Mother Earth with an environmental cleanup. These activities can be done alone or with your mom.

General Tips for Coping on Mother's Day

Regardless of your particular situation or reasons why celebrating Mother's Day is challenging, these coping tips may come in handy.

• Give yourself grace. Remember that no feeling is incorrect, and anything you feel leading up to and on Mother's Day is OK. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for canceling plans.
• Take a social media break. Sometimes, it's best to disconnect for a while. If seeing news stories, photos, or stories from online friends is overwhelming, put the phone down and come back a few days later.
• Find support in others. Remember, you're not alone with these feelings. Many people face a difficult Mother's Day for varying reasons. Find support with others sharing similar situations or ask friends and family for support.